They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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