That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
