time to smoke my breakfast
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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