i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
