i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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