i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
