If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
