i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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