apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
