At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize