doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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