Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
