I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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