Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I want a musical about memes.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
