Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
