the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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