Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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