Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
