What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
