i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
