i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
