now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
