At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
