you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize