So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
