I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
