remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
