careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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