new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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