You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
