Swine flu. Run for my life!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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