good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
