i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
