And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
