"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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