your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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