I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can I color on your dick again?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
