Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
