she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
