They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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