I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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