Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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