it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
