DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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