Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Randomize
