If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
