Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
