Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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