Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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