And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
