I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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