someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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