Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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