I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
