I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Two words: blizzard sex
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